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Young Writers Society



Hell Found Me

by Mythic Writing


Hell found me. Again.

Damn, that guy’s good.

Okay, maybe I should make myself clear, while he's searching for me.

My name is Rhianna Leota and Hell is my worst nightmare. Literally.

Hell was born the one night I slept below a dream catcher.

You know the ones with feathers and beads and string all hanging off it everywhere? One of them. Never again, I swear. I will die before I sleep under the filthy Dark magic spreaders.

I dreamt all about a grey-black werewolf of old coming to life and searching the world for me, killing everyone in his path until he reached me.

And Hell was born that very morning. He was curled up on my front step. Having just had a bad dream about a werewolf arriving on the doorstep, I was careful not to wake him as I slipped out the back door.

Hell is the world’s best assassin. He can sniff out anyone, whether it is Full or New moon, and he can travel long distances unhindered.

The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that I am a werelion.

Werelions are the African equivalent of the werewolf. They can transform, contaminate, all the things a werewolf can do. Except we transform on the New moon, not the full, so I can rip him part every month, run while he’s recovering for a few days, and try to erase my trail. Then he catches me and rips me up. I give him the slip and run again to renew the cycle.

It’s kept me alive for the last year, anyway. And that’s the best thing I can say about this particular disease.

He has killed my friends, my brother and sister, my mother and father, my partner and children.

He has scoured our world of my closest companions and I have to run before he does it to me. For I know he will.

It has been my personal goal these last twelve months to rid the world of every dream catcher I can find. And burn them.

Oh no, he can smell me! Good thing it’s New moon tonight. I feel much stronger than I usually would.

And he knows it. He’s backing off.

Good. I can make a run for it.

I leap and start to run — Argh! He's caught me in my side! I didn't see the metal claws that are attached to his fingers!

"You won't get away from me tonight," he whispers, his voice like tree branches scraping a window. It was a sound that scared you almost witless, especially in the dark hours of the night.

I unhook the claws that are still attached to the flesh in my side and crawl away, leaving a trail of blood behind.

Ah … So that is his game. Tonight after I whip his tail, I'll still leave the trail for him to follow, no matter how hard I try. Everywhere I go will smell of blood.

Smart, for an evil dream.

I run quickly, leaving a sparse trail behind. Only just enough for him to follow me.

Unfortunately.

I run back to my hiding space, the one that is an hour's run from his own. But he now has a better trail to follow. I should get to where there are many with open wounds. That should confuse him enough to let me get far enough away to nurse the wounds.

It will then be back to running until the next New moon. Once again.

And when that time comes, I will tear him apart once and for all.

I spent the next few hours in a hospital, getting my side stitched up. You're probably wondering why I'm not transforming? Because I have no contact with the dark sky. The moon and sun rays, any sort of light rays coming from the sky, no matter how weak or small, keeps me in my human shape. If there is no sun or moon, there is a fully grown Werelion out in the world, attacking all those she comes across.

Just after the doctor stitching up my side left to find the nurse, I hear, from below, a growl asking for me. Hell apparently didn't think I was either conscious or within hearing range, because he wasn't bothering to keep his voice down.

I run to the door. There he is, the arrogant dream, yelling to be taken to the woman who just came in with claw marks in her side. He obviously can’t smell me in here. Good.

I run, careful not to make a noise or move anything that will give me away.

As I look over my shoulder, the doctor runs over and reprimands Hell for yelling in a hospital. Hell just looks at him and throws him across the room. Through my door.

I only just reach the window and jump through when I hear the doctor hit the window sill with dull thump. I think Hell might have looked through the door or caught my scent because as I hide in the bushes he sticks his head out of the window and looks down. Into my eyes.

Crud. He knows where I am. Run.

I sprint out of the shadows, leaving the hospital, knowing I'll need it again soon.

I run down the road, changing as I go, into the Werelion we both know will seriously harm him tonight, injured or not.

I slow to a trot and wait for Hell. I know he will come to get me, thinking that I will be weakened by the holes in my side.

Fool.

I wait. And he appears, trotting, up over the hill in front of me.

He's stopped. I sit. He drops the tools he usually uses for battle. He thinks this will be an easy battle.

Idiot.

I think of all the maneuvers I'm capable of. As I think of them all, he pulls them off.

That's never happened before.

Slowly, I think of a forward summersault. He does it.

What the…?

Triple back-flip summersault.

Wow.

This gives me an idea. I think of the most embarrassing thing I can think of.

Hell does it.

I think of him picking up one of his tools and plunging it into his leg. He doesn't move.

It seem I have to think of myself doing it, not of him doing it, before he does anything.

So I think of myself picking up one of the tools and plunging it into my leg, again and again.

He does it.

Hell suddenly regains his composure to find blood spurting out between his hands, his leg artery severed in three places.

He falls down to the ground, a look of shock on his face.

Slowly he stops breathing.

And I fall to the ground too. It seems my thoughts not only applied to him. My leg is a mess and blood surrounds me in a pool.

I wake with a start. The sun is starting to rise and I'm at home in my bed.

A few hours later, I'm ready to leave for work, having had my morning coffee and eaten my morning apple.

I open the door and go to step out onto the porch.

There, laying on my front step, is a man with a furry fac


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User avatar
96 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 96

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Sat Aug 04, 2007 12:10 pm
flytodreams says...



I agree with the above critiques. Otherwise, the story was pretty good! :)




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378 Reviews


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Reviews: 378

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Sat Aug 04, 2007 3:57 am
sokool15 wrote a review...



I actually kind of liked this! That doesn't sound complimentary...sorry. Just know that I don't usually like stuff about were-creatures...something about them turns me off. But this was interesting.

My name is Rhianna Leota and Hell is my worst nightmare. Literally.


Sorry, Squalz, but I just have to disagree with you here. I actually liked this sentence. Sure, it's a little telling, but it's very short and not boring, kind of entertaining. I like the 'literally' part.

"You won't get away from me tonight," he whispers, his voice like tree branches scraping a window


Again, sorry to undermine your authority, Squallz, but I actually disagree with you here, as well. It's probably just a matter of personal differences, etc, but the phrase really paints a good picture in my mind of what this person's voice is like: scratchy, grating, and creepy.

Funny, I imagined the werelion as a girl as I read this...do you ever actually say what the main character's sex is?

Are you thinking of continuing this, or is it just a short story? If it's just a short story, the ending was far too abrupt. She - er...it...opened it's door to find a man with a furry face...so what?

If you're continuing it, it could be a cliff-hanger to end the chapter, I guess. Still, it's very abrupt.

Anyway, good job, and see above critique for good advice.

Welcome to YWS, mate! You'll have lots and lots of fun...guaranteed. I bet you're having fun already, eh? especially after getting these crits on your story...heh heh heh...

Yours most truly and absolutely, MySelf 8)

P.S. I think you should rate it 'PG' just because you used 'damn' at the beginning. Not that it matters that much, but some people are nit-picky.




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672 Reviews


Points: 5577
Reviews: 672

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Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:56 am
Squall wrote a review...



Hi Mythic, and welcome to YWS. Enough with mushy introductions, it's time to c c c c c cccc-critque 8)

My name is Rhianna Leota and Hell is my worst nightmare. Literally.


This is more telling than showing. It can really put your reader off.

One of them. Never again, I swear. I will die before I sleep under the filthy Dark magic spreaders.


A bit confusing here. What are the sentences "One of them" and "Never again, I swear" doing here?

Hell is the world’s best assassin. He can sniff out anyone, whether it is Full or New moon, and he can travel long distances unhindered.


You're telling again.

Werelions are the African equivalent of the werewolf. They can transform, contaminate, all the things a werewolf can do. Except we transform on the New moon, not the full, so I can rip him part every month, run while he’s recovering for a few days, and try to erase my trail. Then he catches me and rips me up. I give him the slip and run again to renew the cycle.


Big info dump, Tells a lot and can bore your reader.

"You won't get away from me tonight," he whispers, his voice like tree branches scraping a window


Doesn't work like that. A tree branch cannot move by itself unless it is influenced by something else i.e wind. Also, when tree brances scrap a window, it doesn't really make a sound that's similar to a voice. It's more of a scratching sound.

I unhook the claws that are still attached to the flesh in my side and crawl away, leaving a trail of blood behind.


I didn't read about him being hooked earlier 0.0

I run quickly, leaving a sparse trail behind. Only just enough for him to follow me.


He can control his own blood lost?

The moon and sun rays, any sort of light rays coming from the sky, no matter how weak or small, keeps me in my human shape. If there is no sun or moon, there is a fully grown Werelion out in the world, attacking all those she comes across.


Another info dump.

Crud. He knows where I am. Run.


Sounds so weak for a person running for his life. The "crud" kinda modernizes him.

I sprint out of the shadows, leaving the hospital, knowing I'll need it again soon.

I run down the road, changing as I go, into the Werelion we both know will seriously harm him tonight, injured or not.


These two sentences run on too much. They portray two ideas and I believe they can be seperated.

Triple back-flip summersault.


I think this could be described better.

There, laying on my front step, is a man with a furry fac


Spelling mistake with "face".

Review:

I like the idea to this. It goes to show that hell follows you wherever you go. However, I think it lacks some character development. We are not shown more about your character and hence I did not feel a connection with him. This could relate to another fault called "telling."

Throughout several parts of your story, you tell rather than show. You gave us a biology lesson and revealed stuff in your story that I much rather know later. You also tell us the fact that he's some supernatural entity. So what? I don't really care. I wished we could see more of his personality and his view point of his surroundings and of life.

I also thought you lacked description in most parts of the story. I couldn't really picture the scene that well. Some description of the surroundings and actions would engage the reader much more.

Overall, you had an interesting concept, but you told rather than showed. Your character needs more development and there needs to be more descriptions for us to relate with the story.

I hope this had helped. Feel free to PM me for help and ideas.
Andy





You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling